The handyman where I live has free rein.

He was downstairs and adjusted my hot water heater. He added "max salt for max electrical flow, a pinch of molasses and just a hint of Mercurochrome". He said it would minimize my need to visit the tanning salon. I never visit the tanning salon. He told everyone he was just joking, but he did add something to the water, because you can see an orange-y goo seeping from the pipes.

He said that he had added a humidifier to my furnace because it was so dry in my house. What does he know about my house? He denies what I said above, but he doesn't know I've called the water company about him.

He drilled a hole in the concrete basement floor and inserted re-bar and later added a kind of chair. He said it was for tying up policemen. He later removed it when I said I would report him for that. He said he was just joking. The drain is still there.

He dug a big hole in the backyard "for a fish pond". It's quite deep, but at least it has no spikes in it. When I saw it, I told him that he could be held legally liable if anyone fell into it. After that he closed the gate.

He told people I was a troublemaker and threw in "We all know what kind of a woman she is" just to seal the deal with some vague insinuation where you could fill in the mental blank with whatever kind of mind you have, if you have one.

This story is a collection of things that did happen. I didn't include the names to eliminate lawsuits. If anyone complains about what I said, I'll say, "Oh, so you're the one!"