You've all heard those expressions like "I could eat off your floor," followed by “it's so clean”. Where did these sayings originate? I'm sure floor dining was never actually practiced. Well, I'm not so sure. There were times when pigs used to live in the house with people especially in the winter, and they ate from the floor. Pigs, I mean, not people. Don't be too literal in applying these expressions.

There are other similar expressions such as “If it was a snake it would have bit you.” Notice the lack of the subjunctive mood in was instead of were, indicating no uncertainty at all and the use of the past form of have rather than the participle, indicating a lack of grammatical pretension. The expression exists to make you feel stupid. There it is right in front of your eyes and you can't even see it.

Returning to the first expression, I want to ask if, when you hear a ridiculous saying, you formulate various replies in your head, none of which you actually say out loud.

I could eat off your floor:

• If it were that clean.
  
• If you were a dog.
  
• If you were hungry for new experiences.
  
• If you thought of it as a plate.
  
• If you were a drama queen.
  
• If you wanted to expose yourself to new microbes.
  
• If you were standing on your head and were accustomed to eating off the ceiling.
  
• If my floor was the ocean and you were a fish.