Myths, legends, stories, and lies, and don't forget pithy sayings, homilies, and conundrums.

Why should you believe anything you mother tells you or anyone else for that matter?

Did she not tell you that there was a Santa Claus, an Easter Bunny, and a God who cares? Policemen are good and Boy Scouts will escort you across the street? Wonder Bread builds strong bodies twelve ways, although those ways are mysterious and unspecified and possibly confusing during puberty.

After thinking about it, I realized all these things are true, sort of, with a twist. For instance, I've seen Santa. Every year, right around this time, there are thousands of them. People sit on their collective laps while he makes profuse promises. The Easter Bunny is real. You and I have eaten him. He usually manifests himself in a chocolate way, white or milk, solid or shell. Delicious any way. God, similarly.

Didn't you believe at some point in your life that those in authority were decent and capable of making decisions you could not make?

It turns out that I can make many of those same important decisions that are currently being made by "those in charge" in more creative ways.

For instance, if you place a number of fortune cookie messages, each one in a separate balloon and inflate them with helium gas, letting them free float to the ceiling and then, by means of darts, ask important questions of the Divine Presence, popping one balloon for each important question, and reading the message, you can determine the course you should take. It was long ago done with animal entrails too, although it's no longer recommended. It was called divination. This was formerly done in days before balloons.

What shall we name our child? Should we get married? Did you get your deer yet?

Did you get your deer yet? This reminds me of the people in the elevator who always say "Oh, can't complain" to any subject that is brought up. Can't complain? Do they lack initiative and imagination?

When was the last time you heard "Your money's no good here"? My money seems to be good everywhere I go, and that covers a lot of territory. It's similar to the expression "I can't get arrested in this town." No? Personally, I don't want to find out.